


Hide and Keep Hiding

by Minutia_R



Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 19:29:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8460205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minutia_R/pseuds/Minutia_R
Summary: Shortly after the Hotakainens arrive in Keuruu, Lalli goes missing, and Onni has to find him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Kiraly's story [Cousin Emil, Catman, and the Changelings](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7690453), which, if you want to read a nice fic, why don't you read that one? The idea also came from a conversation with Kiraly, but the angst is not her fault.

Onni stared at the bottle of pills, and hated it.

He hated it because it had come on a boat all the way from Sweden, and he would never have been able to afford it on his own, and the doctor had handed it to him as if it were nothing. The gesture meant: _We own you now_. It meant: _We expect you to useful enough to be worth a bottle of Swedish sleeping pills._

He hated it because it was designed in such a way that it was supposed to be impossible for children to open, but whoever had designed it had never met Tuuri, with her nimble fingers, or Lalli, with his sideways way of approaching a problem.

He hated it for the times when he thought of swallowing every last pill in the bottle, and the thought gripped him and wouldn’t let go.

But mostly, he hated it because he needed it. He had seen how quickly one could lose everything one owned, and he resented being dependent on a small bottle of pills. But there it was: he was. There were nights that he couldn’t sleep without it. Most of the time, the worst thing that could happen if he didn’t sleep was that he would be tired in the morning, and he would make a mistake in maintaining the defensive wards of Keuruu, and a giant--several giants--would break through the walls and kill everyone, and it would all be Onni’s fault. Tonight was different. Tonight he needed to sleep.

He had already taken two of the pills, but they didn’t seem to be working. Should he take a third? The doctor said not. And--if he opened the bottle and took out a third, he could just as easily take out a fourth. And a fifth. And however many were left. And Tuuri was lying on the little cot in the corner, and he had finally soothed her to sleep with lies that she was beginning to see through, and he couldn’t open the bottle again. He would just have to trust that the pills he had already taken would do their work. They generally did. But tonight was different.

Onni lay back in his bed, closed his eyes, and tried to pray. Lately even the rote words of memorized prayers came with difficulty. He couldn’t pray spontaneously at all. The gods had turned cold and hostile, and what he wanted most of all was impossible. Now, the words tumbled forth from him, blunt and ugly, with no proper cadence, to every god and spirit that Onni had ever heard of: _Keep Lalli safe. Help me find him. Let me fall asleep. I can find him if only I can sleep …_

He had already looked in the waking world, looked everywhere, up and down the streets dragging Tuuri behind him, the falling snow soothing the hot stinging of his eyes, avoiding the looks of anyone he passed. He didn’t dare ask for help, or let anyone know that Lalli was missing. They would see he was an unfit guardian. They would take Lalli and Tuuri away, maybe foster them somewhere outside Keuruu, and he would never see them again. He could see it so vividly, men and women with rifles, and a boat, Tuuri crying, Lalli blank-faced, not understanding what was happening--

Lalli was safe. He had to be. They were on the biggest military base in Finland, surrounded by sturdy walls, and if Lalli had tried to get past the gates, someone would have stopped him. So he was somewhere inside. Lalli might be able to hide from Onni in the waking world, but he couldn’t hide from him in dreams.

Finally, Onni slept and woke up in his own place in the dreamworld. He spoke the words that would let him use his luonto’s wings. He didn’t like to do it--it would leave him exhausted in the morning, and his commander would know, and she disapproved. She said it was too advanced for Onni, and he should master basic combat magics first. She was probably right. But basic combat magics wouldn’t carry him over the dream sea to Lalli.

It was crowded in Keuruu in the dreamworld. So many people’s dreams, so close together, that if Onni hadn’t summoned his wings he might have been able to walk. He scanned the dreams as he passed, looking for Lalli’s. Strangers. When he’d been Lalli’s age, he’d barely known what a stranger was.

Onni was beginning to despair again when he caught sight of a familiar marsh, a pond with a raft in the middle of it, and Lalli, curled up tight on the raft, his small fists pressed against his eyes. Onni landed on the rocks at the border of the dream, called out, “Lalli!”

No response.

“Lalli, what’s wrong? Let me in!”

Lalli’s shoulders shifted, a little. His head came up, almost. He heard Onni. He just wasn’t answering.

He wasn’t letting Onni in, either, but he was young and his barriers were weak, and after a bit of effort Onni pushed through them, strode over to the pond where Lalli was still steadfastly ignoring him.

“I’ve been worried sick, Lalli. You never came home for dinner, and nobody knew where you were.” He crouched down beside Lalli, pulled his fists away from his eyes, made Lalli look at him. “Where have you been? Where are you now? You can’t just run off and not tell anyone where you’re going!”

“Not supposed to tell,” Lalli muttered, pulling against Onni’s hands. “They said.”

“Who?” said Onni. He let go of Lalli, because he could feel the talons coming to the ends of his fingers without being asked, and Lalli fell back onto the raft. If someone had taken Lalli--if someone had hurt Lalli--

“I don’t know!” said Lalli. “Them. The big kids. Those are the rules. You hide, and if someone finds you, you lose. No one found me.”

“Oh.” Onni took a deep breath, shaking with reaction. A useless accumulation of adrenaline and magic. “Were you--were you playing hide and seek?”

Lalli sat rubbing his wrists where Onni had grabbed them and said nothing. Just looked up at Onni like he couldn’t believe how stupid Onni was being.

“Lalli,” said Onni. “Where are you? It’s past dinnertime, and past bedtime. You have to come home.”

Lalli put his fists against his eyes again and didn’t answer. Onni wanted to pick him up and shake him. But--he thought back to the path he had taken to find Lalli here in the dreamworld. If he could just retrace his steps in the waking world, he would find him there, too.

So he dragged himself out of sleep. He shouldn’t have called the owl--his limbs were so heavy that he could hardly move them, and his head was foggy, but he pulled on his coat and hat and slipped his feet into shoes and let himself out, careful not to wake Tuuri.

Even though he knew exactly where Lalli had gone, it still took Onni nearly an hour to find his hiding place, a nook in the corner of the defensive wall where some stones had fallen loose. It was so small that it was hard to see how Lalli had wedged himself in there, even when he was seeing it. At least it was sheltered from the wind and snow. Lalli’s shoulder, when he touched it, was still as cold as ice.

Lalli blinked blearily. “You found me,” he said, in a voice thick with sleep. Then his eyebrows drew down. “You cheated.”

“Damn it, Lalli, you--” Onni closed his eyes and sighed. He ought to be angrier. He ought to make Lalli understand what he had done, and why it was wrong. But he didn’t see how, and he was too tired. So he just said, “You won.”

A small smile curved up the corners of Lalli’s mouth, and his eyes went very wide. He practically glowed. Onni hadn’t seen him so happy since--before. “I won?” he said.

It was wrong. Lalli shouldn’t be happy about this. “You won,” Onni said, lifting Lalli to his chest. Lalli buried his face in the crook of Onni’s neck. So light, and so cold. “You won at hide and seek forever. So the next time someone asks you to play, you say no, okay? You don’t need to play with them anymore. You’re already the best.”

**Author's Note:**

> Isn't it weird to think that at this point, Onni is a couple of years younger than Lalli is in the main storyline? Just saying.
> 
> ETA: Kiraly drew [a beautiful illustration](http://worldsentwined.tumblr.com/post/152711861524/so-minutia-r-recently-posted-this-lovely-fic) of this fic! Go and look, I know I haven't stopped looking at it since she posted it.


End file.
